A human brain is a versatile organ. “No computer can duplicate its myriad functions,” to quote Reader’s Digest. In spite of it we are assailed by forgetfulness, which proves to be sometimes very convenient.
This temporary amnesia, which affects all of us from time to time particularly with the things we borrow, is really convenient except maybe, to the lender! Here I’m not talking about big amounts borrowed. In that case neither the borrower will forget nor will the lender allow him to forget. Do we remember the time when we ran out of change? I’m talking about those measly sums like $1 a few rupees, which you happen to borrow. It could even be a book or a C.D, a cassette or the proverbial cup of sugar. These little things happen to slip out of our mind as quickly as they’re borrowed. Ages back, I had read an essay, My Lost Dollar by Stephen Leacock who lent $1 to his friend and even after years he couldn’t get this off his mind. How true this is. The dollar is hardly going to make a huge hole in our pocket but it still rankle us from time to time.
My uncle being a book lover had this to say, “I hate those who forget to return my books.” Once he had to purchase back his own book from a second-hand shop. How it happened to reach there is anybody’s guess. He loves to borrow pens (here I mean the non-returnable ones) but he feels strongly about non-returnable books! I remember when a friend returned my C.D after 6-7 months and that too a damaged one. I recall that I saw red at that time. When does this temporary amnesia, which we are partial to occur? I realize that if we are generally indifferent to people or their belongings we generally tend to forget. This does not mean that the person is selfish. Invariably he too is not so particular if the delay is from the other end. The moot point is what happens if the other person is a frequent borrower and an infrequent returnee? This is a dicey situation. We then have to think of scintillating excuses like the kinds of “what a coincidence! I too need a similar amount. I was hoping that you would be in a position to lend……” This is a sure way to stop the person to come to you again.
We can also adopt a more direct approach, “would you please return the tenner which you borrowed the other day?” A word of warning here no one likes the direct approach but it would save us from fuming and fretting and letting the incident sour our relationship. Be prepared for the snide remarks. There is a time in our lives particularly if we are touched often to choose between a good night’s sleep and maintaining a superficially good relationship. I believe that a good friendship is one where we never cross the thin line of close camaraderie and privacy. Non-refundable items are a sure way to break the friendship.
My late-parents had a kind of circulating library. My mother lived with a grouse. She said people had a very bad tendency of not sending across the book, once they have finished reading. “Like a youngster I have to go and collect the book and the most galling is that it’s my own book,” was her oft-repeated complaint. This malfunction of our cerebrum not only occurs in material things, it also affects in the words that we speak. We rarely if at all remember the times we let loose harsh words. The receiver of these words has a memory of an elephant! Of course he too must be afflicted by loss of memory to the harsh words he had spoken. How true it is to the adage “Words once uttered can never be captured”
However, you have the others ‘the well-intentioned people’ who are very free with their advice. I still remember as if yesterday to the unsolicited advice given by my new acquaintance when I landed in Indonesia some eight years back. “You have made a blunder! Education is hopeless here. I would take back my children the next year.” Being new to that place I spent many a sleepless nights wondering if I had played with my children’s future. Four years later, I came back to India and she was still there. I am sure the said person would have completely forgotten this incident but I for one remember the mental agony I went through the first month when everyone would have teething problems in a new place. We have solutions right from an excellent diet schedule the other person must follow to lose their obesity, to bringing up of their children and from the way they treat their maids to the pets they should choose. Maybe there is a streak of sadism in all of us when we upset someone with our misplaced advice. Obese people or very skinny people would doubtless agree with me when someone would have hurt them deeply in a party or in a private gathering. The offender would completely forget the incident but the person involved would never forget it. My grandmother used to caution me saying “Be very careful of what you say.”
She passed on many years back and I am still to learn this particular piece of wisdom. I too am a great one at giving unsolicited advice (the reason for this article!) Surprisingly, words that we speak without thought of its implications are bound to revert back to us. You only have to say I would never be seen dead in this situation and bingo you are in the middle of it.
Like the famous quote of Shakespeare, “the evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones;” The help others have done to you in time of need also has a short-term memory. The help you have done has long-term implications. Once again our amnesia comes to our aid! Of course none of us are perfect and it takes all kinds of imperfections to make this perfect world (?) attractive.
This was published in The Jakarta Post in 2001
This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
in collaboration with Dr. Preeti Chauhan.
19 comments
Very educative and thought provoking. Selective memory is a strange process. Most of the times, I don’t remember the good things, but tend to keep the hurts and wounds alive. I think, we need to process both memories equally and live a balanced life.
Can’t agree with you more Chandrika.
They say, ‘we forget the 99 good deeds and remember the one bad deed’ of a person and it is so true. Our minds are really strange sometimes. Also, I’ve experienced that among all things, books we lend are hard to forget. I have lost two that my good friends had borrowed n I still remember 🙈.
As far as hurtful comments, behaviour etc are concerned, I forgive easily but I don’t forget and it’s something I can’t help… it just doesn’t get erased… how strange na?
People who borrow and don’t return books make me very angry, and worse when they damage it. Forgetfulness is sometimes a convenient excuse. Better to be upfront and ask for whatever they owe us.
I’ve heard that we often dish out our own complexes in the form of ill-informed advice or remarks, which somehow resonated with your words “Maybe there is a streak of sadism in all of us when we upset someone with our misplaced advice”
A thought-provoking read indeed.
Hahaha! Your writing is very witty, laughed so many times while reading this article. You introduce everyday humour subtly into your writing, and that’s an enviable skill. Please keep writing and entertaining us always.
I can totally relate with your late mother. People seriously don’t have the tendency to return books after they have completed reading. More often than not, we tend to keep count if they are in multiple hands.
Completely agree with you. Our brain is versatile organ. We used to forgot little thing which gives happiness but never forget wounds and hurt. I forgive easily but never forget and keep that grudge. I have lost many books too. I don’t understand why people don’t return books
I agree with your grandfather, I too hate it when someone doesn’t return a book I lended them. According to me, we are unable to let go of things we lend is coz we all have some emotions or sentiments attached it those things. As for lending food and money I think we all work hard to earn it so we want it back. Very thought provoking and beautifully written.
Good and thought provoking article. I think we need to be more aware and more direct.
i have stopped lending books as a rule now.
Be very careful of what you say- Nothing can be the best lesson than this. Unfortunately many of us dont know what means to be being polite even when you are asking for or reminding something legible to other person. There is a new trend going of being rude… and when u tell them even what’s the reason for being rude and can be said politely … most of the cases the answer is ” I said what is right and if you find it rude then its your problem.” Life is like this and what can we do.
A very interesting thought. My mum used to say that if you give something to someone, particularly money, keep in mind that it will not be returned. This is true of those who say, “I will return it tomorrow.” According to my mum if someone can return it tomorrow, why should he/she borrow it today? That is why her policy used to be “Neither a borrower nor a lender be”. And she has ingrained this in us too. Your post is so relatable; I’m sure it will resonate with everyone because at some point or the other, we have been at the giver’s or the receiver’s end– whether books, money or advice.
There are really things in life that you never know you’d need to know unless you learn it from somewhere. Selective amnesia is one of those. Though I’d rather have someone who have selective amnesia 10x over (as long as it’s small things such as small change, a pen or book) rather than someone who just gets others things without their knowledge then returns them after without saying a word. That for me is still considered stealing.
We forget to return things to those people whom we take for granted. Those who forget to return money are blessed because they don’t have any burden to pay back 😆
Temporary amnesia is intentional. My husband used to say, Kya aap maang ke khaate ho? to maang ke kyun padhte ho? Your blog brought back so many memories, Chandrika. So many of my books have disappeared. I never ask for a book or even for money, ever. If i take then I would go through sleepless nights.
Very educative and thought-provoking post Chandrika. We tend to forget good things, but we never forget one small bad deed. I think we need to remember both bad and good memories to cherish small moments and enjoy the life as it is.
So true. There is selective memory and selective amnesia and it depends on the person one is dealing with. Like they say, you can do 100 good deeds but that small bad deed is the one that would be remembered.
Forgetting to return borrowed items is something we’re all guilty of at some point, but it’s interesting how it affects relationships.
Quite a thought-provoking piece. I recall a friend borrowing a book she gifted on my birthday just before we were posted out. One that I hadn’t even read yet. Never got it back. She probably forgot too.
I feel you – I’m also dead against lending my precious books to people!