As a Gen Xer, I thought my life was sorted until on a whim I joined two groups of fellow book lovers on Facebook and all of a sudden, I feel like the female version of Sisyphus.  It wasn’t too long when I concurred with Sir Isaac Newton, though in a completely different era and compass, ‘what I had already read is a drop, what I hadn’t read is an ocean.’

I have come a long way from one who read and enjoyed anything and everything from the billboards to the paper in which the grocery came bundled in. From a person who prided herself on the growing list of ‘already read’ books despite stretching the then limited resource some thirty years back, I have turned into this paranoid, frenzied creature. With fellow bibliophiles updating lists, posting reviews, and updating various platforms with the list of books already read, I got this bit in my mouth looking at what the other person or people were reading and comparing ‘the book in hand’ unfavorably to the one on their bookshelf or their social media wall.  I zealously updated my ‘To Be Read’ list that kept growing like octopus’ with many arms. My reading suffered as I was becoming frantic and more concerned about what to read next rather than enjoy the one next to my bedside. My browsing at book stalls, second-hand vendors, or libraries turned into an ‘operation search.’ Out came my list, and I went about searching like someone who was on a mission to save the earth before doomsday. To add to my confusion, my world expanded to Kindle, Audible, Spotify, Podcast and many more, but unfortunately, the day continued to have just 24 hours.

It was in 2020 when the world went into lockdown. Then came the epiphany that movies and serials were a mere click away. The OTT platforms vied with each other in bringing newer, richer, and bigger fares. With a liberal outlook that I did not know I possessed, I became a passionate filmophile. Malayalam, Bengali, Korean, Spanish, Japanese, and Swedish rubbed shoulders with my hitherto go-to language- Hindi, Tamil, and English. The competition to catch up with fellow movie buffs on social media is fierce. And hence the ‘To Be Watched’ list grew in direct proportion to my TBR list.

Not to be left behind, the drool-worthy pictures of travel bloggers with their constant updates of incredible road trips and weekend retreats made it a sacrilege not to make a date with the sunset on the banks of a lake. In my earlier life, I would have used the term, ‘god forsaken’ but today it became one of the ‘must-see’. A new entry appeared in my Samsung notes titled ‘To be seen.’

Then came my fellow writer posting about ChatGPT and AI and how it is taking over the world. I had to wrap my rusty brain to remain relevant in today’s fast changing world. Suddenly, I developed a jaundiced eye with my young wards turning in their homework.

In the midst of all this, I am reminded that I am adding inches to my girth each time I inhale; and must try to walk that magic 10 K or join that group that swears by intermittent fasting. Then comes someone who effortlessly writes, reads, runs a marathon, crochet while stirring something exotic on the stove, play the perfect host, figure out how to wave a magic wand to get my house in order.

I enviously look at others doing it all. Amidst all these, I need to listen to my adult children’s weekly advice and update them with my schedule to prove that I am doing all I can to strengthen my synapses and work hard on firming up my weakening muscles!

As my ‘to do’ list shows no sign of paring down, I often wonder when did the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) morph into a Frenzy of Losing Out (FOLO). Social media finds you ‘wanting’ in every way and you are like the person caught in the Ferris wheel of life- going round and round and seeing the pleasure of simply standing and staring slipping by. Is it time enough to shut down the chatter, unravel the mess and knit life together with birds chirping in accompaniment and holler – damn with the bucket lists?

All in all, I am left wondering in Gen Z lingo if there is a Solulu to all this frenzy or am I totally delulu?

This was published in witcraft.org

This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.