There was a recent article in Times of India in the aftermath of Pune Porsche case that we seem to be taking Yes- Parenting too far. When re-visiting some of my old articles, I realized that not much has changed from February 2017 to now. This piece published in Deccan Herald, underlines the problems that seem to persist in our style of parenting. It just seems to be getting worse.

“Quizzed about skipping classes, teen jumps to his death,” screamed the city headlines.

Psychologists, neighbours, teachers, Principal and peers would all have their own take for such an untimely demise. The academicians would take note of this pressure and root for diluting the examination system.  Ease the pressure on our children would be a new age mantra. The parents would be left bereft grappling with ‘would have been’ and ‘whys’. Their future would be grey for years to come.

In this context, I remember a few lines from Tennyson’s poem, The Charge of the Light Brigade. The lines goes thus; theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die!

I believe that today’s parents too are facing similar situation as the soldiers in the Crimean War. They need to just follow orders, orders given by the authorities, psychologists and psychiatrists, arm-chair psychoanalysts and of course the children themselves.  My late father used to jocularly say, “I am not hen-pecked but I am chick-pecked!”

Dad, you were not but we surely are!

There was heated discussion on this among us the elevated souls whose children have grown up. We all agreed that parenting was always an onerous task. Of late, it is taking a different hue because of multiple challenges that are being thrown our way.  We are slowly and steadily subjected to a great inflow of information coming our way and our discretionary power is tested more so now than earlier.

Is love impairing our judgement?

I was at a dentist recently. The toddler tore open the protective sheet and took out the ornamental pebbles from the centre table and started giving it to all the patients around. No doubt it was looking cute as most children do but what was not ‘so cute’ was the mother’s inability to say a no to the child damaging a public property.  I am sure Madame Curie’s mother would have sported a similar expression had she been alive when her daughter won the Nobel Prize twice!

Many children go through life never hearing the word ‘no’ nor understanding the word discipline little realizing that a great deal of disservice has been done to them while they were growing up. Universe gives us plenty but it also throws up a lot of obstacles our way and children need to be taught that they can’t have everything their way or take the highway.  They need to be reminded to operate from the appropriate boundaries. The best gifts we can give our children are all intangibles but yet they are substantial. The modern belief that children will learn responsibility and other life-time lessons like love, compassion, gratitude, gratefulness after they are grown up is never going to take place unless they are taught these values from young and this begins with saying a firm ‘no’ in fulfilling every whims and fancies of the child even if we as parents can afford to satisfy them. Even a small child needs to accept the term, “it’s too costly,” rather than getting away with a tantrum.  A child breaks its favourite toy…well bad luck and you don’t immediately get a replacement. Unfortunately, parents feel that there is long road to learn responsibility little forgetting that responsibility and personal rights go hand in hand. Having things early on has another negative impact. The children have lost their ability to find ways to entertain themselves and hence the term boredom and ennui sets in too early in their lives and leads them to experiment with stuff for a sense of euphoria however transient it may be.

What could be the reason for giving in?  Late child or a single child, material comfort, guilt of working and busy parents is all adding to a new age scenario wherein we as parents are failing in teaching our children discipline.

Preparing the child for the road ahead

Another major lesson of parenting is not to insulate the child from any kind of pain or danger that can creep into their lives. Hence, it is imperative that we prepare our children for the road and not make the road ready for children.  Experiencing the pain and discomfort is all a part of growing up.  It’s but natural to want to protect our children from all kinds of hurt, be it bullying, new school, and their interview etc… somewhere we forget to allow them to experience life.

The goal for all of us is to learn from each experience and try to be reasonable about what we have control over – and what is beyond our control. One of the most predominant memories of my childhood is our dinner time tales that we all indulged in as a part of our growing up. We all gathered around the table for our dinner and we all exchanged the happenings of the day. Hence, we knew that my ‘stay at home’ mother was not twiddling her thumbs the entire day and unlike the present generation, we never said, “Oh, you were free the entire day and didn’t do anything!”  We also were aware of the extreme sacrifice my father made with his constant touring job to help meet the extra expenses of a growing family. We grew up having enough but never having a lot. Our discussion also ensured talking about various aspects that were stuck in the recess of our mind to be re-collected years later. My two older sisters added to my bank of knowledge.

Our aim in life is to raise good children, good citizens and good human beings.  In this context to believe in them and helping them grow is what should parents focus on. Walking the talk is even more important in present times. If your own focus is to earn money and not give sufficient time to relationships then the message goes to your child loud and clear. No amount of explanation or reasoning is going to help the child think different. Every step of the way, our children are watching us and that to a great extent make them the way they are.

Sometimes, it does amaze me that a set of beautiful people can have a child go completely wayward.  Being in education line, I know for fact that there are huge chunks in their children’s life that the parents are completely unaware of. There are parents out there who regale all and sundry how their baby knows how to operate the mobile phones better than them! And then they want to wean when the child comes to teens.  Many parents have been at the wit’s end trying to wean their child from the computers, mobile phones and other paraphernalia of the technological world we live in. We need to keep away from technology if we want our child to pay attention to what we say. If our conversation is more between our mobile phone than the person in front of us, then I think our message is loud and clear where our priorities are set, right?

Power of communication

I believe that communication channel should be kept open and constant between parents and children. We need to speak about Sex, drugs, money and other dark aspects keeping the conversation at par with the children. There are no taboo subjects. Whenever we feel the need to control or pull back some privileges, so be it.  Developing a thick hide whenever the children ignore us and taking this in stride and still persisting pays off.  There are no children who have not thrown the words, ‘mean’, ‘partial’ at us particularly at moms. I believe that if your child had used the words, “I hate you,’ then you have done your job extremely well! Keeping a constant check on your child through the teachers and schools is also very important.

I had read somewhere that raising a child is akin to painting a picture stroke by stroke, in strange combinations of colours and hues, without knowing how the final image will appear when complete.

There really is no yardstick by which you measure your success as parents. I believe that if children are there for you without being constantly by your side, keep the communication platform open, are responsible for their actions, stop depending on you after a certain age either financially, emotionally or physically (unless they are having some health issues) then you can pat your backs for a job well done and learn to live your life without breathing down their necks.  You as parents must make them aware that if they need safety, if they need complete acceptance, if they need unconditional love, they know where to look for them and that happens to be you.

Not an easy road

Parenting is not for the feeble-hearted.  Along with the stretch marks we develop worry lines too.  Striking a balance between the changing world of today to fitting the social norms is an on-going battle- palpitation, sleepless nights banging doors notwithstanding!  That is not to say, fathers don’t have a say. A united-front is what the children look for and that is the need of the hour.

 

This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
in collaboration with Zariya Healings.