I watched the recent movie, Mrs on Sony Liv. It is a remake of Malayalam movie, The Great Indian Kitchen. While I had already watched the original, I wasn’t planning to watch the remake till I heard a whole lot of hoopla on that. Trolls and Memes galore on how it was one-sided and bordered on toxic feminism.
Seeing the movie afresh, I noticed how the older woman panders to every whim and fancy of her husband and actually foresees his every need-lays his footwear, prepares his morning drink, lays his clothes on the bed. The list goes on. Hence, her son finds it nothing strange when he expects his bride to mother him just as his mother does her husband.
Many critics of the movie call it a fictional take on patriarchy and an exaggerated one at that.
But then, is it? Then the question arises, “Is your romantic relationship built between two adults, and not between one and a half adult?”
There was many celebrities and even ordinary men who take pride in saying that they are “very dependent on her.”
Is it then the case of loving your wife and setting what is known in today’s world as ‘couple goals?’
This is wrong at so many levels
If a man expects his partner to parent him then it is definitely wrong, and vice versa. And if the words are meant to make the partner feel so ‘important’ that he “can’t function without her,” once again it puts her on a pedestal which she might not really want, feel ill-equipped for might not be able to sustain in a long run.
With marriage being pushed further and further away, people do marry in their late twenties or in thirties. Can they not then be able to fend for himself or herself?
Some three decades back, my then newly-married friend rushed home from an impromptu get-together stating that, “my husband eats only if I serve.” My snarky, “what was he doing all of twenty-eight years?” ensured frostiness in our friendship after this, not to speak about sounding like a douche bag.
Times have changed
A few decades back, we too were agog with the notion of romance. Growing up on a steady diet of romantic movies in the late 70s and 80s, we too had planned to iron the shirts of our husband, serve him food… for we had learnt the adage both by words and actions, “the only way to the man’s heart is through his stomach.”
As impressionable young women, we were always told that our role as women meant that “we were there for the family.” Career was considered only as a fall-back- “Just in case something untoward happens!”
In my years of ‘adulting,’ I have seen a variety of roles played by the women in any family. Serving food first for the men-folk was the least of them all. I have noticed a couple of men who would just step over the lungi/ shorts that they had discarded on the floor, and the significant other would pick it up to put it for wash. Or the men would wash their hands in the plate that they had eaten in, and the women would pick it up after. It could be the cultural thing but then we are moving on and it is time to evolve and adapt.
There are wives who refuse to be around to help even their own parents, because their “husband will not be comfortable if they are not by their side at night.”
All it needs is little effort…
Over time my husband and I have realized that if you really care for the significant other, you do not send them on frequent guilt-trips by asking them to be by your side at all times.
You don’t make them responsible for your physical and mental up-keep. You help make them independent – be it shopping for grocery, cooking, finances, or the upkeep of the house. It means egging the other person on to be a better version of themselves, and also display in both words and by actions, that we are together in this as two adults.
Mothering our men is not true love
This is what we as women do wrong – accommodate dependent husbands, and later, dependent children.
It is indeed lamentable that men continue to sit in the car while the lady goes to do shopping for household goods. Many youngsters grow to be adults without knowing the prices of essential commodities. Cooking, loading of washing machine or cleaning of utensils are all necessary life skills.
Unfortunately, I have come to realize that even in a family which is ostensibly open-minded, it is solely the woman’s role to cook and serve.
But then the question arises – are women also happy mothering their husbands? So many women share among their peers, that “I have two young children and one big one!” Don’t most of them say it with a decided note of pride in their voice?
Is it not then time to ask yourself some harsh questions?
~ Are you constantly looking for this person to make you feel special?
~ Have you made your partner responsible for your happiness, self-worth, and safety?
~ Do you feel empty and alone unless you feel useful?
~ Are you terribly possessive of your space- be it kitchen, your culinary expertise?
~ Are you adaptable enough to let go?
~ Do you have a life beyond your family?
Does that mean we are eschewing romance and building of a family?
Couples often wait to eat in the company of one another, or share space to increase intimacy. But to expect the other person to rush back from say work that may go on till late, an incomplete project, time-out with friends, or to want to be a chauffeur to the other person so that they are totally dependent on you is so wrong at so many levels.
A few months back there was a young man who said that his mother loved to feed all of them before eating herself. It could be very much possible. And, I am definitely not prescribing a life of so much independence that it ceases to be a family. But then is the mother asked if that is what she wants?
But the fact remains that you and your significant other are supposed to be building a family together as adults.
And before the man take up cudgels and call me out for toxic-feminism, this unhealthy dependency on their partner holds true for a few women too. Only the percentage is far lesser.
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.
19 comments
I think this is a great topic, Chandrika. Many women look for validation I guess therefore get into these activities. They don’t realize that they are supposed to have a partner to bring up good individuals and doing it all alone is not possible. In the Bible it is written that a man is to leave his parents and become one with his wife. Not get his parents along and be taken care of by the wife.
I’m not married, but real stories and movies about such behavior always make me thank God. The way you broke down the conditioning that turns men into “manbabies” was both sharp and insightful. It’s frustrating how this cycle keeps repeating, but discussions like these are so important to bring change. Loved your take—brutally honest yet laced with humor!
It is deeply ingrained in our society, and meaningful change will take time. However, I am encouraged to see so many examples around me that show progress is indeed happening. The questions you have raised are spot on. Every woman who takes pride in mothering their husband should reflect on them.
Manbabies are everywhere! Loved your take on it. Hard-hitting yet laced with humour.The mothers spoil them and the wives are left to mother them. My husband was from a small town in UP and my MIL tutored him to believe that men are the breadwinners and women are relegated to the home and hearth. As long as we were in a joint family, he never entered the kitchen. But once we shifted out, I enticed him into the kitchen and he was ever willing. Sadly he didnt live long after that. My son was a master chef and a mother to his kids. So, yes, I am proud to say that I didn’t have manbabies in my life.
I find relationships very complex. While one does like the feeling of having the significant other as a caretaker, I think it kind of changes over the years. No one can keep doing the same stuff over and over again. Men, women, children, we all have different needs, even if we are one as a family. It should evolve into sensibility.
Oh My My… you just spoke my heart out. I also have the same feeling and say the same to the ladies I know say such things. They answer me back its our job even if am working. I ask them two question: Your husband spend time in hostels? Have he stayed alone before marraige for job or business purpose? Many say yes to one and few to both questions. I ask them how were they living? They said that time they used to cook but now I am here why should they cook? See the level of thoughtprocess. I really really feel sad to see such people … they dont respect themselves who will respect them. We talk about equality … then were this equality goes? Really Surprised
Nothing has changed. Even when I got married in my family the same rituals we had. Giving everything in his hand. ( Here, in my case in every one’s hand from the glass of water to the socks) but I changed everything in my house. Women are only responsible for this. They followed the rules which they have been taught and passed down to us. We should break this chain.
Times have changed, so people also have to change now. Relationships and families are now all about partnerships if you have to make them successful. Otherwise, it’s just one party serving to the other.
This was such a thought-provoking read! It’s true, so many women take pride in “mothering” their husbands without realizing the long-term impact. I’ve seen this play out in so many homes, and honestly, it’s high time we start raising independent partners, not overgrown children.
This post made me reflect on the unhealthy dynamics that can arise in relationships, where dependency overshadows partnership. It’s a refreshing perspective on building an equal, independent relationship while maintaining intimacy. I appreciate how it highlights mutual respect and growth!
Very true – Am ensuring that my boys don’t turn out to be man babies!!
Times have definitely changed, but they haven’t too. The MIL still expects her sonny boy to receive motherly pampering from his wife. In India, a man’s worth is more by his degree and not his human nature, sadly.
Excellently articulated, Chandrika. We need to stop babying our men, and they need to find independence. What resonated with me was the point of “romance” in the 70s and 80s. So stupid, now in retrospect. I’m glad women are learning not to repeat those mistakes and are setting new practical trends in the realm of romance!
This was such a thought-provoking read. It’s true—many women take on the role of caring for their husbands and other family members without realizing the long-term effects it can have. I’m lucky that my husband always helps in the kitchen, and now I’m also trying to get my son involved in some household chores, even though he’s usually tied up with studies and coaching.
Much has beens said and written on this topic, but the change is not complete. Mothers and in-laws are angry when they see their sons or son-in-laws sharing the workload at home. Like you’ve rightly mentioned, cooking, cleaning, and washing are life skills; not part of a woman’s JD. But again, many women are happy to do it all….I’msure in another decade, a lot will change.
The people crying over these things are the very ones responsible for it. If we notice closely, these are the men (and even women) who can’t accept the wrong in what they’re doing. Some people are even comparing Animal and Mrs. saying it’s the same level of toxicity and that if Animal is wrong, so is Mrs. Matlab kuch bhi!
Such an interesting read this is! I know of many “manbabies” within my friend and family circle and always think how can they prioritize moms over their own family. Of course, they don;t even realise the harm in what they do!
Loves your take on this, Chandrika. Man babies, more often than not, are created by over-pandering mothers and elders in the house. While girls are made to ‘learn’, boys are happily served everything on a plate and sometimes fed too. Faced the same thing when I was newly married. Thankfully, I made it clear to my husband that I’m not his mom and he better take responsibility for himself and the kids. The conditioning is too strong and takes time to go though.
It all comes down to parenting right. With no stereotyping between kids and expecting them to do their own would be right for their future good.